Watched: The Spirit

I don't have screencaps from this, because I watched it at work, because my job is awesome. But I do have snippets of conversations I was having while working (we gchat freely, my job is awesome) with Benjamin. Here, via gchat, are my thoughts on The Spirit (or as I now like to refer to it: the movie by which I shall compare all other terrible movies). It takes a lot to seriously offend me. Keep this in mind.

me: going to watch "the spirit"

Benjamin: I know it kinda sucks, but I enjoy the style of it

me: ha yeah we'll see

Benjamin: although Sin City maxed it out

8:39 AM the decision to go pg-13 was a mistake

me: they did it first

Benjamin: same people, though

me: they did it best

Benjamin: Sin City was unapologetic about it, the different narratives, not trying to make one movie out of it, just saying, 'yup, it's a graphic novel'

8:40 AM the Spirit was like that - artistic integrity + franchising!??!

me: i think its a mistake for whats his name to try and adapt his own stuff

take it easy, miller

Benjamin: yeah

he's a good middle man

8:41 AM between, say, a stodgy franchise and a reboot

8:43 AM me: oh god

who is this voiceover guy

he's terrible

Benjamin: haha

youtubing

hold on

8:44 AM me: he's getting really pervy about the "city as a woman" metaphor

8:45 AM Benjamin: oh yeah

there are some tropes

8:46 AM we should just leave in the 20s where we found them

8:47 AM me: yeah especially if you're going to say things like "i love all her pockets and cracks, she's my plaything, she gives me everything she needs"

gross, spirit

Benjamin: yeah

it's be great if there was actually some call on that

like, if a passerby was like

8:48 AM 'hey, buddy, we all love the city, alright, but you're taking this shit too far, your pathetic fallacy is like... really pathetic."

8:49 AM me: the henchmen are named "pathos" "logos" and "ethos"

i hate this movie already

Benjamin: you should kill it all kinds of dead

me: i might

i just might

8:52 AM Benjamin: do it!

it's not too late

before that perverted film-core 'leave no flick behind' ethos kicks in

me: its too late

im watchin it

8:53 AM out a mordbid sense of curiosity

Benjamin: oh noooooooooooooooo

ah well

me: they're fighting with a toilet

what is wrong with me

that i cannot turn this off

oh my god

8:54 AM Benjamin: jesus dude

me: he just said "i'm gonna kill you all kinds of dead"

horrorface

it's like they know...

Benjamin: I warned you

I

warned

you

9:01 AM me: okay

9:02 AM Benjamin: okay

our long national nightmare of comic book movies is over

...

or is it?

me: it's only begun

9:03 AM Benjamin: I kinda figured

9:04 AM me: !

the dad from wonder years

me: samuel jackson just screamed NO EGG ON MY FACE! and then shot one of his minions

9:16 AM Benjamin: are you still watching that damnable excretion of a movie?

9:17 AM me: yes

its

so

terrible

Benjamin: haha

I was reading a document in word, and when I'm away from the g-mail, chat messages make this defining gonging sound

so that was really extra-emphatic

me: samuel l jackson and scarjo are dressed up in anglicized japanese gear

"i hate stepping on gum, even in winter. makes you step funny."

9:18 AM Benjamin: it's (gong) so (gong) terrible)

me: that sentence is spoke by sam jack

Benjamin: what?

why?!

me: and it LITERALLY has NO connection to the sentence that came before

or the one that came after

Benjamin: I'll kill him several kinds of dead for that

9:19 AM me: eva mendes is another super overrated one

do people actually think she's good?

or just that's she hot?

9:20 AM Benjamin: she is purdy

but no acting

please

me: ew

Benjamin: just, stop

well, she can be purdy

me: so this old guy is telling her his password for something

and he goes

its

robin

like the bird

and she goes, or like the little bear's sidekick? with the tight little derriere?

THE FUCK?!

9:21 AM Benjamin: wait

waht?

wha-wha?

what's going on here

me: i dont know

these little excerpts im quoting

9:22 AM have no relevance to whats going on

9:23 AM Benjamin: le sigh

me: okay

this movie is 10 kinds of retarded

9:24 AM there was like a back story

he and eva were in love

Benjamin: okay

me: when they were kids?

Benjamin: fine

wait

sigh

okay

fine

me: but she's obsessed with shiny jewelry?

every woman in the city is in love with him?

9:25 AM Benjamin: yes

and

also

yes

also

me: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, WHY AM I WATCHING THIS

Benjamin: greek mythology?

blood of heracles?

wtf?

me: yeah

because they read a book about mythology once?

9:27 AM the elektra complex was just explained to me

by frank miller

SIGH

9:28 AM Benjamin: urgh

me smart

me readum wikipedia page on freud

9:30 AM me: ha

9:40 AM i think about 65% of this movie is the so-called spirit either VOing or just outright talking to himself

9:41 AM ugh and now he talked about the city as his mother

Benjamin: well

that was fucking inevitable

thanks Freud

also, thanks film noir

9:42 AM for dying, and leaving a spot for crap noir

me: sam j is wearing nazi gear

9:47 AM and there is a french bellydancer

I DONT UNDERSTAND

Benjamin: processing...

processing...

Paz Vega?

processing...

9:48 AM me: yeah

Benjamin: Nazi = Bad Guy, the simplest equation for people who are so absolutely retarded that they do not understand in any other way when the antagonist is, in fact, a bad guy

belly dancer = exoticism, frequently used to imply non-Christian morality (or, simply, amorality)

9:49 AM when Europeanized, used to suggest decadence, amorality combined with wealth or power

me: he just used the phrase "dead as star trek"

9:52 AM Benjamin: okay

gotta go to the store

good luck with that fucking nonsense

hopefully you can see it through as some kind of... moral?...aesthetic?...ugh...victory?

9:53 AM me: thanks

9:55 AM HE JUST KILLED A KITTEN BY MELTING IT IN ACID

ugh

9:57 AM Benjamin: on that note

I think I should go

I would also say that during the film

"well, that's my cue to leave:

"

(Re: Enemy at the Gates)

anyways, 15 min in and this is already such a better film than The Spirit that it's like the first breath of fresh air after being buried in a pile of poop

1:35 PM me: i think every movie from now on will have to be put under The Spirit test

1:36 PM Benjamin: haha

me: if its worse than that it is officially on the list of worst movies ever

Benjamin: the cinematic equivalent of pouring acid on a kitten

that's an interesting barometer

1:37 PM I used to use the classic FDA style LD 50 test

but I may use the Spirit test

1:38 PM me: yeah

1:39 PM Benjamin: you know you've made a real stinker when you become the absolute standard by which sucking is measured

1:40 PM you may now retire, battlefield earth

1:41 PM me: you played your part well

but there's a new (melted in acid) cat in town

seriously there was a shot of just the cat eyeballs

swirling the drain

so stupid

so unnecessarily disturbing

1:42 PM Benjamin: wow