Watched: Mortal Kombat

I honestly have no idea why I watched this movie, other than after a night of drinking and excessive amounts of Japanese food I found myself unable to sleep at 4:30 in the morning and thought that Mortal Kombat seemed like a fair penance to pay for my sins. In the interest of full disclosure, I've never played the video game. I played Tekken once with my roommate, it had a bear. That was cool. But this was full of fug creatures and painfully 90's action tropes. I'm sure I would have caught plenty more fun things had I not, while watching this, been working on developing the awesome hangover I am still enjoying and also, had I cared about anyone in this or anything that was happening. As I did not care about any of it and was bored by the pitiful dialogue-- which I know is stupid to even say because, who would watch Mortal Kombat for its eloquence?-- as well as the fight scenes (choregraphed martial arts? yawn), I have only a few stray observations to make. Basically I watched this to pass the time before passsing out, while drunk, and still found it pretty lame. Maybe it was cool at the time it was released, I don't know, I was seven and not allowed to play console games (Mom's rules). Whatever. I need a sandwich and some seltzer. SO MUCH FEATHERING.

Gargoyles much, Shang Tsung? Redecorate, your house sucks.

Lazy eye. Just look closely, it's there.

Ugh speaking of lazy eyes: faceplate. You know, as you do. More importantly, look at the impeccable grooming of that beard. Like does he have a special razor to get in there and make it do that? I'm not even going to talk about the pseudo-flock of seagulls thing happening upstairs, because I have nothing nice to say about it.

MOM JEANS. On everyone.

Oh look, it's Greysto- I mean, it's Connor MacLe- ah, just kidding- it's Thunder God Raiden! That loveable old coot. Whatever happened to Christopher Lambert anyway? His wiki page says that he's done basically every Highlander film ever made and some French stuff. So I guess that's what happened to him. Weird. Also, is he supposed to be Asian here? He's doing this weird accent in this movie that I can probably best describe as what you might imagine a cat would sound like if it could speak, but an Australian cat who for some reason tried to do a faux-Chinese accent. Really, this was weird.

I'm not really sure why the opening scene was green. But it was. And that was sort of cool. So yeah. Maybe someday I'll give this film another chance... but probably not.