Watched: Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Silk Stocking (2004)

I honestly hate Rupert Everett as Sherlock more than I hate any other Sherlock ever committed to film. He plays him like some sort of insouciant, stylish, classy, gentlemanly playboy. He plays him like he is Rupert Everett, basically. It's just... very, very far away from the character as he was written and I don't really enjoy his interpretation.

Also, this case is so weirdly, overtly sexual in a way that Arthur Conan Doyle's stories never were. Something that's fine, perhaps, if we're doing a modern reworking (Sherlock/that fauxVictorian buddy cop movie from Guy Richie that just coincidentally happened to have the same name as Doyle's detective) but this movie is set in the Victorian era and does not really clarify that its story is not in fact part of the canon (IT'S NOT) yet it has a lot of kind of modern sensibilities in its storytelling and the way the characters deal with the events happening to them. Plus, having John marry an American psychologist- NO. JUST NO.

Okay, whatever. It was a made for tv movie that came out a decade ago and I watched in on tv with my parents and it was deeply uncomfortable because the story is, ultimately, about a [hot][Fassbendery] servant who is bitter that young rich girls don't pay any attention to him and takes it on them by kidnapping, sort of molesting but not raping, and killing them, while doing some weird ritualistic shit with their clothes and also indulging in his foot fetish. Also he has a twin which is how he gets away with it for a while. UGH. The twin plot, so fucking lazy. But anyway. It was not fun to watch with my parents. I distinctly remember this. I also remember that I was just as disgusted with Everett's performance then, when I was just a budding 15-year-old Doyle fan, as I am now. Yuck.

So let's just enjoy some of the very decent cinematography and also Michael Fassbender's face while I go try to calm my raging, decade-long grudge against this farcical entry into the Holmes filmography, shall we?

 HANDSOME. Help us Obi Wan Fassbender, you're our only hope!

 I also HATE this series' Watson. He's snide and petty at times and then totally meek and useless at others. He's just... NO. NO TO THIS WATSON AND NO TO THIS HOLMES. NO.

 ^NO. NO NONO NO NO NO NO NONO.^

 Yikes, dude.

 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. NO. I hate everything about your face. Uncurl your lip. Straighten your mustache. I hate you.

 This shot was beautiful and I loved it.

The last 20 minutes are really Fassbender's time to shine. Enjoy!

 Weird split screen twin effect! Such lazy storytelling but at least we have this hilarious shot of the one twin, having been shot in the leg, and the other one experiencing "phantom pains" while have the spaz attack to end all spaz attacks.

NO AND I HATE YOU GOODBYE FOREVER MOVIE. YOU AND ME ARE DONE.