Watched: KILLER WAVE

Or: How You Know You're Watching a Made-For-TV Disaster Movie

1. The most recognizable face is a character actor, you know, one of the "that guy" class of actors. Bonus points if he plays a corporate executive of dubious moral fiber. Hey Tom Skerritt, playing the very rich head of Cramtrell (or something) Corporation TM!

2. The "hero" is a cheap version of another, perhaps more talented star. In this case, Angus Macfayden is obviously filling in for the Gerard Butler, and is about as good at masking his Scottish accent. MacFayden has been in... um, stuff? Lots of tv and direct-to-video stuff with this guy. And why make him American, I wonder? Would it be so detrimental to just let him be a Scottish oceanographer? Anyway, MacFayden had roles on Alias and Californication, and apparently was in Divinely Stupid Titles of the Ya-Ya Idiots. Oh and he played Robert the Bruce in Braveheart! So yeah. BUDGET.

VERY BUDGET.
3. In 180-ish minutes of television, you only show two super-awesomely cheesetastic big fuckin' waves. Nonexistent readers, you may not know this about me, but I am something of an afficionado about the big wave. I will see any movie that features it. ANY. I fucking love a big fucking CGI wave, okay? 2012? Yes. The Perfect Storm? Of course. Deep Impact, The Day After Tomorrow, Poseidon, Titanic, Armageddon? I was there. If there is even the possibility that a movie might have a big ol' CGI wave in it, I am in. And, I mean, this series is called KILLER WAVE. Let me repeat that for emphasis: KILLER WAVE. With only two waves worth mentioning? For shame. In any case, here they are, in all their fake-looking glory:

Valley o' waves!

Yeah, this is from the scene where MacFayden and Female Protagonist, through a convoluted and stupid series of events somehow manage to find themselves on the coast of Maine when a KILLER WAVE is coming and thus decide to drive the boat (that they found? stole? hotwired? It's not entirely clear, nor does it seem to be particularly important) up and over this huge tidal wave and thus survive unharmed. If this isn't ridiculous enough in and of itself, there's actually an amazing shot after they have boated to safety, when they pull back into the decimated harbor, where MacFayden is inexplicably shirtless. Why? Female Protagonist is soaked but her clothes are all still on her person. Where did his shirt go? He then pulls on the glorious red garment (pictured above). Where did it come from? Why it is so thin/low cut? I thought about screencapping the moment but the shirtless MacFayden situation is... not good. So I thought it best to just relate the hilarity of this weird editing/wardrobe choice.

4. Even the comic relief/deus ex machina are budget, budget, budget. These two goons play the FBI employees tasked with following MacFayden and later proving his innocence when he's accused of causing the big waves (... I know.) while bantering inanely. These guys. These guys look like diet Kevin Savage and diet Sam Elliott. Points for effort, KILLER WAVE. Next time try for the real thing.

5. There is an evil corporation. Maybe there are two. They are somehow responsible for the series of disasters. What is a dumb movie without an easy identifiable culprit?

Bonus points if the supposedly well-funded, highly connected organization has a sign that could be purchased at Kinko's.

6. Stupid editing tricks are added to try to add interest to what are otherwise extremely uninspired, cliched scenes. Case-in-point: multiple screens display the chase scene occurring on a boring country road from different perspectives! Not at all necessary but at least we know that the filmmakers know their way around Final Cut! Except that the whole chase scene is totally pointless because MacFayden, at this point, already knows that the FBI goons have been assigned to follow him around. So why does he run from th... no, better not. Don't overthink it.

7. A big meeting of "important figures" is held in an otherwise unremarkable room. Only about 5 attendees are seen. Bonus points if an intricately designed table makes an appearance for no discernible reason.

8. Jersey is involved.