Sunday, November 10, 2013

Watched: Buffalo Rider (Rifftrax)

From the Rifftrax website:

 When you really stop and think about it, there are two kinds of movies: movies where rugged men punch mountain lions, and movies where this sadly does not happen.
Fortunately, Buffalo Rider is the inaugural member of this first group, and while it waits for another movie to join it, (we’re looking squarely at you The Help 2), it is content to quietly kick some ass all by its lonesome.
Buffalo Rider tells the story of Jake “Buffalo” Jones, a legend of the Old West who tamed and rode a two-ton buffalo named Samson and, in the process, proved that there really must not have been much to do in the Old West. And while the sight of a man who resembles a Doobie Brothers roadie riding a gigantic buffalo is spectacular in itself, the producers decide to spice up the action a bit by keeping crates of vicious wild animals just off-screen and occasionally releasing them to attack Jake and the buffalo. Bears, wolves and cougars all show up to take on Jake, who appears to have been informed of these animals’ presence seconds before they were released.
You may have seen the clips of the “Guy on a Buffalo” song. Please, let us reassure you that you have NOT experienced the entire Buffalo Rider universe until you’ve seen the whole movie. This is a film that devotes nearly 1/10th of its screen time to tell the tale of a very, very unfortunate raccoon named Bandit. It has its own majestic theme song that you will be singing for days afterwards.  Imagine if all you saw of Birdemic were the coat-hanger scenes.  You’d be forgiven for assuming that was all the movie had to offer, but then you’d miss out on solrpnls, hanging out with your family and the spruce bark beetles. Please do not miss out on Buffalo Rider. Although the cougar punching is still pretty damn sweet...

It really is a film that must be seen to be believed. Or maybe it's just that misery loves company? In any case, this movie has two old men narrators who take turns telling the alternately boring, ridiculous, and terrifying (seriously, I think the wolves were legitimately attack the dude and his buffalo? and there were no special effects- he is just straight up riding said buffalo for most of the movie). Just... I don't even know. It's like if Into the Wild was about a mountain man with competence instead of a scared, idealistic kid, and also it was filmed in real-time so that you could fully appreciate how fucking long it takes to do anything when you live in the West. It is horrible, and while watching it you will suffer (even with the Rifftrax voicing your inner mocking dialogue) but in that suffering, you will find absolution.

Or something.






 Best filmed/most convincing bar fight scene of all time. Pretty sure this takes place on the stage of some local theater group.

 OH HI.


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