Watched: I nuovi barbari (Warriors of the Wasteland, The New Barbarians)

How can you not love a movie with three titles (one in Italian), dozens of ridiculous cod pieces, a bizarre/horrifying male rape scene that is treated like a minor embarrassment, a gang devoted to killing everyone else in a non-descript post-apocalypse hellscape because of reasons, a precocious and flippant child mechanic, and character names like "Scorpion", "Nadir", "One" and "Shadow"? Fun fact about this movie: it co-stars Fred Williamson, playing the sidekick, who in the VERY SAME YEAR (1983) also had a role in Warrior of the Lost World.

Here is the plot to Warriors of the Wasteland, as reported by IMDB: Two mercenaries help wandering caravans fight off an evil and aimless band of white-clad bikers after the nuclear holocuast.[sic]

Here is the plot of Warrior of the Lost World (again, from IMDB): A nomad mercenary on a high-tech motorcycle helps bring about the downfall of the evil Orwellian government, the Omega.

And just the year before in 1982 Williamson also had a role in 1990: The Bronx Warriors, summarized thusly: In a post-apocalyptic New York City, a policeman infiltrates the Bronx, which has become a battleground for several murderous street gangs.

Dude was striking while the iron was hot, I suppose. Two of these movies were even directed by the same crazy Italian, Enzo G. Castellari. When you're on a roll you're on a roll.

Really I cannot in good conscience recommend this movie. Not unless you're going to, as I did, watch it with Rifftrax. Otherwise it is unforgivable in its terribleness.

Watched: Stepbrothers

Glorious. This is one of my all-time favorite stupid comedies to watch when I need a pick-me-up. There are too many quotes. And not that much incisive or worthwhile observation to make. So there is only one necessary word: glorious.

Watched: Archipelago

Really banal, sedate angst and ennui. 

Watched: The Seeker: The Dark is Rising

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU. I loved this YA/children's fantasy series as a kid. I read them over and over again for years and I firmly believe they still hold up. I still love them. This movie is an anathema to me. It is a cinematic abortion. It is bland and mediocre and boring and dumbed down and simplified where it shouldn't be and complicated where it shouldn't be. I hate every creative decision they made, I hate every change they made to the story and I hate every attempt they made to stay true. There is no winning with this giant pile of shit. I hate it so much.

I probably should have never watched it. But I did. Well after the first 40 minutes I just started fast forwarding because the hate was overwhelming.

Watched: Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Silk Stocking (2004)

I honestly hate Rupert Everett as Sherlock more than I hate any other Sherlock ever committed to film. He plays him like some sort of insouciant, stylish, classy, gentlemanly playboy. He plays him like he is Rupert Everett, basically. It's just... very, very far away from the character as he was written and I don't really enjoy his interpretation.

Also, this case is so weirdly, overtly sexual in a way that Arthur Conan Doyle's stories never were. Something that's fine, perhaps, if we're doing a modern reworking (Sherlock/that fauxVictorian buddy cop movie from Guy Richie that just coincidentally happened to have the same name as Doyle's detective) but this movie is set in the Victorian era and does not really clarify that its story is not in fact part of the canon (IT'S NOT) yet it has a lot of kind of modern sensibilities in its storytelling and the way the characters deal with the events happening to them. Plus, having John marry an American psychologist- NO. JUST NO.

Okay, whatever. It was a made for tv movie that came out a decade ago and I watched in on tv with my parents and it was deeply uncomfortable because the story is, ultimately, about a [hot][Fassbendery] servant who is bitter that young rich girls don't pay any attention to him and takes it on them by kidnapping, sort of molesting but not raping, and killing them, while doing some weird ritualistic shit with their clothes and also indulging in his foot fetish. Also he has a twin which is how he gets away with it for a while. UGH. The twin plot, so fucking lazy. But anyway. It was not fun to watch with my parents. I distinctly remember this. I also remember that I was just as disgusted with Everett's performance then, when I was just a budding 15-year-old Doyle fan, as I am now. Yuck.

So let's just enjoy some of the very decent cinematography and also Michael Fassbender's face while I go try to calm my raging, decade-long grudge against this farcical entry into the Holmes filmography, shall we?

 HANDSOME. Help us Obi Wan Fassbender, you're our only hope!

 I also HATE this series' Watson. He's snide and petty at times and then totally meek and useless at others. He's just... NO. NO TO THIS WATSON AND NO TO THIS HOLMES. NO.

 ^NO. NO NONO NO NO NO NO NONO.^

 Yikes, dude.

 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. NO. I hate everything about your face. Uncurl your lip. Straighten your mustache. I hate you.

 This shot was beautiful and I loved it.

The last 20 minutes are really Fassbender's time to shine. Enjoy!

 Weird split screen twin effect! Such lazy storytelling but at least we have this hilarious shot of the one twin, having been shot in the leg, and the other one experiencing "phantom pains" while have the spaz attack to end all spaz attacks.

NO AND I HATE YOU GOODBYE FOREVER MOVIE. YOU AND ME ARE DONE.