Watched: Child 44

Really disappointing. First all the accents are atrocious. Look I know I'm not Russian so I don't know what the perfect Russian-accent English should sound like, nor do I think it's reasonable to ask that all these [American, British, Swedish, Australian, etc.] actors speak in Russian for the entirety of this film. But they could have at least all practiced together so that all of their terrible accents had some level of consistency. Just saying.

Second of all, this story is completely messed up in favor of a happy ending. The historical basis for the film, Soviet serial killer Andrei Chikalito aka The Butcher of Rostov aka the Red Ripper is fascinating and horrific. And it's such an interesting story as is, a tale of soviet idealism in the face of reality's brutal truths, that truly damaged and sick people can exist in any political/societal structure. Maybe what I actually wanted was more of a documentary. Or maybe something more along the lines of Zodiac, which acknowledges and allows you to feel the weight of time dragging down on our investigating protagonists. But this movie skips that in favor of establishing Tom Hardy as our war hero orphan who must fight the state's resistance to investigating the killings and his own exile from Moscow in order to crack the case. Spoiler alert: he does and ends up in a showdown with the killer who is executed by Hardy's political enemy/former fellow soldier. Hardy is then redeemed by a new commanding officer who brings him back to Moscow and lets him form a homicide division under the pretense that Russians who've been influenced by the west could have "poisoned hearts" and murder. It's a satisfying ending to the story they're trying to tell, I concede that, but not at all to anyone who knows the true history of the Chikalito's murders and the fact that he was not apprehended, accused, and executed for the many, many murders he committed starting in the 70's until the 90's.

 

  

But Gary Oldman is always welcome, regardless of the quality of his accent.

Tywin Lannister!

Watched: The Drop

I've seen this one a couple times now and I really enjoy it. I just think it's got a very economic storytelling style (it's only an hour and 20 minutes long) but still manages to give you a very detailed, complex set of characters that I really enjoyed. The performances are all fantastic and the film even finds a way to occasionally make an ugly dive bar, a simple basement, a cement-covered park, a drab diner, and other unmemorable stock city locations look/feel haunting.

Also, this dog. I would rewatch this movie for a third/fourth/bajillionth time just because this dog (and all of its stand-ins, I think there were like 4 or 5 total) are total stars.

Watched: August: Osage County

I was trying to explain exactly what I didn't like about this movie to a friend because I think there's a lot that's pretty good about it: the performances, the attempt to open up a stage-play at least a little bit to make it more cinematic, the costuming and staging.... all good. But I think my problem is more deep-rooted in that I don't really enjoy plays like this where everyone is just ranting at each other about their problems and all the ways in which they've hurt each other or been hurt, a la Tennessee Williams, whose plays I also don't think make great movies. Are there classic performances in their adaptations? I'm sure Marlon Brando, Vivian Leigh, Elizabeth Taylor, Paul Newman and others all benefited from the scenery they were allowed to chew in the film versions of Williams work but as a viewer it's always left me cold. August: Osage County was the same for me.

Watched: The Covenant

Okay I legitimately took far too many screencaps of this terrible, ridiculous movie but in my defense it holds a very dear, nostalgic place in my heart because it was the first (of many) awful movies that Ben, Casey and I went to see in the theater together. I will never forget the moment when Sebastian Stan (who knew his career would redeem itself so spectacularly! Fun sidenote: he went to Rutgers!) calls out the line about making Bland Taylor Lautner-esque Hero his "weeyotch" the whole theater LOST THEIR MINDS. It was euphoric and I laughed until I cried and it just cemented my love for seeing terrible films in packed theaters. (Other films we enjoyed similarly: the Conan the Barbarian remake, the Hansel and Gretel movie, several Final Destinations)

Let's start with the pre-movie prologue:

Kay.

Using brutal twice: no.

Exploitative and unnecessary.

Awkward.

AWKWARD.

Problematic.

Laughable.

Maybe the only genuinely creepy moment in the film.

Just a lot of nighttime gratuitous sweaty nudity in this film.

No it wasn't.

Again.

Sick burn. Also this guy is set up like he's going to be the bad guy and then just kind of forgotten? Like he's not a "witch" (shouldn't these guys be wizards or warlocks?) and he kind of antagonizes our boy band heroes but then later he just sort of disappears.

A character is named Pogue. Also they're not perfect for each other as right from the beginning "Pogue" (Taylor Kitsch!) is shown as being overly jealous and she's overly flirty.

This classroom is like a turn-of-the-century operating theater and is not actually conducive to reading/writing. Look at how deeply in the shadows the kids up in the rafters are! How can you even see your book in that light?

They go down into Taylor Lautner's basement to have a pow-wow and someone has lit all of these candles but it's not really explained.

I'm very sorry Sebastian Stan.

The powers that come with being a "witch" are vaguely defined, AT BEST, throughout this movie. They seem to range from putting someone in a coma because they're covered in magical spider bites to fixing cars to floating to floating your car (with the help of friends) to blowing up the skirts of faceless fellow bar patrons (STILL PROBLEMATIC I'D LIKE TO MENTION). But then in the final showdown between The Winter Soldier and Jacob the Werewitch the only real display of this witchiness is using these CGI bubbles, like the one pictured above, and hurling them at each other. It's like a stupid video game fight, replete with terrible one-liners.

It's glorious.