Watched: The Covenant

Okay I legitimately took far too many screencaps of this terrible, ridiculous movie but in my defense it holds a very dear, nostalgic place in my heart because it was the first (of many) awful movies that Ben, Casey and I went to see in the theater together. I will never forget the moment when Sebastian Stan (who knew his career would redeem itself so spectacularly! Fun sidenote: he went to Rutgers!) calls out the line about making Bland Taylor Lautner-esque Hero his "weeyotch" the whole theater LOST THEIR MINDS. It was euphoric and I laughed until I cried and it just cemented my love for seeing terrible films in packed theaters. (Other films we enjoyed similarly: the Conan the Barbarian remake, the Hansel and Gretel movie, several Final Destinations)

Let's start with the pre-movie prologue:

Kay.

Using brutal twice: no.

Exploitative and unnecessary.

Awkward.

AWKWARD.

Problematic.

Laughable.

Maybe the only genuinely creepy moment in the film.

Just a lot of nighttime gratuitous sweaty nudity in this film.

No it wasn't.

Again.

Sick burn. Also this guy is set up like he's going to be the bad guy and then just kind of forgotten? Like he's not a "witch" (shouldn't these guys be wizards or warlocks?) and he kind of antagonizes our boy band heroes but then later he just sort of disappears.

A character is named Pogue. Also they're not perfect for each other as right from the beginning "Pogue" (Taylor Kitsch!) is shown as being overly jealous and she's overly flirty.

This classroom is like a turn-of-the-century operating theater and is not actually conducive to reading/writing. Look at how deeply in the shadows the kids up in the rafters are! How can you even see your book in that light?

They go down into Taylor Lautner's basement to have a pow-wow and someone has lit all of these candles but it's not really explained.

I'm very sorry Sebastian Stan.

The powers that come with being a "witch" are vaguely defined, AT BEST, throughout this movie. They seem to range from putting someone in a coma because they're covered in magical spider bites to fixing cars to floating to floating your car (with the help of friends) to blowing up the skirts of faceless fellow bar patrons (STILL PROBLEMATIC I'D LIKE TO MENTION). But then in the final showdown between The Winter Soldier and Jacob the Werewitch the only real display of this witchiness is using these CGI bubbles, like the one pictured above, and hurling them at each other. It's like a stupid video game fight, replete with terrible one-liners.

It's glorious.