Watched: Dark Prince: The True Story of Dracula (TV movie)

This is... not good enough to be good and not bad enough to be enjoyable. It's a bland, no-man's-land of a made for TV movie with almost interesting performances (except for the lead Rudolf Martin who plays Vlad as perpetually brooding and sullen, one of the flattest performances I've seen in a long time). There are so many Dracula/Vlad the Impaler movis out there in the world to watch, the only reasons to watch this one are these:

Love a good (stupid) opening title sequence.

1. Pretty sure at least some of this was filmed on location in Eastern/Central Europe because there are a ton of outdoor shots and the scenery looks right. It looks good.
2. ROBOCOP (Peter Weller) plays an Orthodox priest with a delightfully fake and sculpted-looking beard who (plot twist spoilers!) has actually been plotting against Vlad his whole life and plays the Judas to Vlad's Jesus figure.
3. ROGER DALTREY PLAYS THE KING OF HUNGARY, WHAT? WHY?! Prior to this I was not even aware the man had an acting career, turns out he has been acting with some consistency since the late '70's. Huh. The more you know. Also, Roger Daltrey's performance = least attempt ever made to even remotely resemble a Hungarian accent. Everyone else is kind of going for Eastern European (the star, Rudolf Martin, is actually German so he just seems to mostly be doing that) but Daltrey clearly just made the decision at some point not to try despite everyone else's efforts. It's glorious.
4. It's the kind of thing that, were it to show on TNT on a Sunday afternoon when you are incapacitated by a mighty hangover and dozing in-between rounds of burritos/pizzas/burgers/whatever ungodly further punishment you are subjecting your body to, I might suggest you leave on in the background for the hammy, bland fun of it. But there is no reason to seek this movie out otherwise.

Also, I'm not even going to attempt to answer for the historical accuracy of this film. Don't know, don't care.

Still, I'm pretty sure that's not what the map looked like at that time.

THIS. THIS IS OUR HERO. That forehead needs a [historically inaccurate] map of its own.

   

This forehead could be considered a new and previously undiscovered peak in the Balkans. Also, check out the hat thy make Daltrey wear. Sublime.

  

This actress (Jane March) gives a good enough performance as the woman destined to be Vlad's wife who basically goes insane from the amount of people he kills but HER. TEETH. AND. MOUTH. ARE. SO. DISTRACTING. I have compiled some shots here to try and examine what the actual fuck she is doing with her mouth and why:

Teeth.

  

TEETH.

I know she's supposed to be surprised in this scene because she thinks Vlad is dead and he comes back to the castle to run away with her, but.... CLOSE YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH.

CLOSE YOUR MOUTH.